So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
