you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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