What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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