i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
