i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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