Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
