Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
