I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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