I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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