Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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