Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
