mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
