My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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