I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
