splinters make it hard to masturbate
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
