and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am naked and annoyed.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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