Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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