our cab driver is having phone sex.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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