She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize