my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
