Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I still have a little drunk in my system
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
