I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
