She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
