The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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