So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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