Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
