I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
