As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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