U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
