I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
