I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
