I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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