Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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