Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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