I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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