Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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