she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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