I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
