I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need moral support for this bender
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
