Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
