All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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