When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Randomize
