dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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