laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
