The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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