does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The best revenge is premature balding
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
