I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
