The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
