We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
