filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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