Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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