I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
