My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
