it wasn't lemon gatorade
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
