If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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