I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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