Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Pants are for mortals
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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