Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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