Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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