Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
