drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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