1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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